the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)

My sneaky sneaky little cervix

Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 at 11:10 am

My pap smear was like something out of Seinfield yesterday.

So I'm lying there with my legs spread eagle and my doctor, whom I've gone to for the past fifteen years - bless her heart, starts to insert the speculum. She's like fiddling around down there and I'm thinking, "What the hell dude?" Finally, she says,

"Now where is your cervix? I can't seem to find it!"

So she pulls the speculum out and starts with the pelvic exam and says,

"Well let me find it this way, then we'll try the speculum again."

I guess my cervix was being shy yesterday or maybe it was playing a little game of hide and seek. Then again, maybe it just didn't recognize my doctor, so it got scared and ran away. I just had this vision in my mind of my cervix all scared and cowering in the corner of my vagina somewhere.

The doc finds my cervix with her hand and then inserts the speculum again. Then the thing like comes unhitched or something and almost falls out and my doc is like,

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! You'd think I've never done a pap smear before! I've only done about ten thousand in my lifetime."

At this point I'm actually giggling. Never before have I actually giggled during a pap smear! All I could say was,

"It's ok, really, it doesn't hurt."

The thing comes unhitched again and she mumbles something about it being too lubed up or something. Again, I'm giggling to myself and just imagining myself writing this entry. I mean, this is just too good to pass up not writing about!

So the doc finished up and grabbed all her stuff and apologized again and practically ran out of the room. I don't think I've ever seen a doctor get embarrassed before. But the thing is, is it just makes me love her more. Bless her heart.



Men: Can't kill 'em, can't castrate 'em

Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 at 7:26 pm

Fucking Jay disssed AGAIN. Oh my ass, what is it with my luck with men lately?! He called at 7pm Friday night and said he would be in town around 11pm. I said, "Cool. Call me when you get checked into your hotel and I'll come get you." Luckily I didn't cancel my backup plans, because the fucker never called and never showed. And I haven't heard from him since. I hope he's not lying dead in a ditch somewhere, but if he's not then the fucker could've at least had the decency to call and let me know he's not dead. Fucking men.

I just want to find true love. Is that too much to ask? Well fuck it, then I just want someone who will spend ungodly amounts of money on me. Is that too much to ask? Well fuck it all then, I'll just buy a dildo and call it a day. I'm seriously getting tired of the whole love game all together. I'm surprised I'm not a bitter old hag already. Then again, maybe I am.



"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis