the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)
Because I have an oral fixation
Friday, Oct. 10, 2003 at 2:50 pm
My favorite times to smoke are:
And for another reason you'll have to look in my raunchy diary to find out.
Yes, I started smoking again. I don't want to hear any lectures, punks.
Because "Tina" just sounds so chipper
Friday, Oct. 10, 2003 at 2:03 pm
If I was a South Park character, my name would be Tina. Tina would be a single, bitter, young professional, who hates kids, especially the South Park kids, who would smoke and drink, a lot. Tina would cuss at the South Park kids all the time. Tina would always be trying to get Chef in the sack. Tina would make fun of everyone only to protect herself from developing any type of intimate relationships with other people. Tina would also hate most of mankind and think our entire society is going in the shitter. And she would look like this:
Any resemblance that the character of Tina has upon me is strictly coincidental and has no barring on my real life persona. Right.
Learn how to spell "hello" in Spanish right, fuckface
Thursday, Oct. 09, 2003 at 3:05 pm
IM conversation with first out of three guys I'm planning to kick to the curb:
him: ola
me: hi
him: whats up?
me: not much
me: i was going to email you , but since you are online i'll just tell you now
me: i don't think it's going to work between us.. hope there's no hard feelings
him: none just wanted to nail ya anyway lol
me: great thanks
me: take care then, bye
him: you can always call at 11pm
me: eat shit and die
Ok, so I didn't actually say the last line, but the rest is all real. It's amazing how even the nicest of people wind up being the biggest of fucking assclowns.
It's not that you're ugly, I just happen to find you repulsive
Thursday, Oct. 09, 2003 at 8:35 am
I need some advice from all two of my male readers out there.
What's the best way to tell a guy you don't want to have anything to do with him anymore? A guy you've only known a short time and maybe only gone out with once or twice. It's not that I don't like them, they are really nice and cool, but unfortunately I feel no physical attraction towards them what-so-ever. Nada. Zip. Zilch. And I know they are interested in getting in my pants, but the thought of even making out with them kinda grosses me out, let alone doing the humpty. So tell me, what's the best way to say, "I like you, but I don't like you, like you" and "please don't ever contact me again, ever?"
Thank you in advance for your, hopefully, sound advice.
Got 5 spare hours?
Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003 at 2:30 pm
"How are you?" is the single most loaded and annoying question in the English language. Who the hell came up with that anyway?
Give me pie and maybe I won't kill you
Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003 at 9:16 am
What is it with PMS? (That's PRE menstrual syndrome, people, that means the week or two prior to the actual bleeding part.) Some guys think we make this shit up, but I swear this PMS thing is like something that possesses our bodies for five to ten days straight. Every five minutes I'm thinking of new ways to bury bodies. And every two minutes I'm thinking about greasy cheeseburgers and french silk pies. And don't even get me started on the bloating, if my fingers and toes were any tighter, my skin would spontaneously combust.
Chocolate? Take me away.
Stupid shit I say when I'm shit-faced
Tuesday, Oct. 07, 2003 at 12:23 pm
Mr. Semi-hard just got an upgrade to Mr. Oh Oh Oh Yeah
Tuesday, Oct. 07, 2003 at 9:51 am
Ok, maybe I was a little hard on Mr. Semi-hard. He came over last night and made up for it. He helped me achieve maximum orgasmic capacity. Isn't that just the sweetest thing? He called this morning to make sure I was up and I yelled at him for calling me while I'm trying to get ready. Then I thanked him for last night. He said, "What for? I didn't do nothing." And he's modest too? I might actually keep him around for a while.
I know I've touched on the subject in a round about way and have confided in a few of you through email, but I have to share some good news. The one and only married guy I've ever been with, which by the way it is purely sexual, is getting a divorce. I'm so excited I could shit. But not because I want him in a romantic way, no. My conscience was starting to get the better of me. I'm excited because now my conscience won't be kicking my ass every "morning after" that I'm with him. He told his parents this weekend, they weren't that upset. Funny thing is, nobody they've told is really surprised or torn up. I guess everyone knew it was coming. I feel for them in a way, because divorce is never a happy ending, but I'm also relieved. Very very relieved.
It must be impossible to not like me
Monday, Oct. 06, 2003 at 10:48 am
I pass out for four hours and puke three times during my date Friday night and the guy still loves me and wants to spoil me.
I must have some major mojo going on!
And just for the record, people, I can handle my liquor, damn you! I can! It's just because I hadn't eaten anything beforehand. I'm not a puker, damn it. I'm not. I swear. I'm not!