the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)
Lift me up
Tuesday, Jul. 12, 2005 at 11:05 pm
The fact of the matter is I've been super depressed for a couple weeks now. I've been ashamed of my life lately because some decisions I've made in the past have turned out pretty crappy. I don't believe in regrets, I mean I know it's possible to walk away from every bad situation having learned something. But I'm in a really bad place financially right now, worse than I've ever been. I'm embarrassed, but I also know that I can't sit around beating myself up because that will accomplish nothing. I've been trying like hell to dust the dirt off and get back on my feet again. It's been one of the hardest times, financially, in my life.
But if there's one super awesome thing I've learned from all of this, it's this: the ONLY person I can depend on in this life always has and always will be Jesus. Unless you know him, you truly can not comprehend the fullness of his love, forgiveness and grace. But the good news is, his love is available to anyone who seeks it. He's the only person in the world who will always, unconditionally accept me. I've felt alone many times in life, I think we all have, I think it's part of the human condition to feel alone in this great big universe. But the fact of the matter is, we are not alone. There is someone out there who always knows and understands every single good and bad thing we experience in this life.
So I know I'll get through this. Just like I get through other bad stuff in life. Somehow, someway, God always lifts me up again.
Poop stains
Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 at 5:46 pm
My days are filled with sleeping in until noon or later, playing with my son, going swimming, going on bikerides, cleaning my house and being bored out of brain!
It's been a fun and lazy summer for me so far. But it's time to buckle down and get a regular paying job. I'm so broke that it's suffocating me. Fortunately I have a hope in my life that nothing can ever take away, so I do see light at the end of the tunnel. God has always blessed me with love and health. As far as I'm concerned these are the only two things I need to live happily.
Gratitude. This is my key to sanity and happiness. If I'm constantly thankful for all the good things in my life, then I don't spend time whining about the bad things. I'm a pessismist and a cynic by nature, but with God in my heart he helps me overcome these pitfalls to find peace and joy.
So I'm looking for a job right now. Any job! I'm trying not to be too picky right now. I just need to pay some bills and keep my head above water. Jobs will come and go, I know this much by now. There is not one career that I think I could do for the rest of my life. The continual search for career fulfillment has ended.
The only thing that will never end is my search for a better me. I never want to stop learning and growing as a person. I want to be a good person, a good friend and a good mother and daughter. I want to send joy and encouragement into the world, not suck it dry with negativity.
There's nothing wrong with being average. I think I've come to the conclusion that I am simply average. I'm content to just have my basic needs met. Finding joy in the simple things in life is what has kept me going. Because when it's all said and done, all we really have is what's inside our heads and hearts. Health, wealth and beauty can all be taken from us in an instant. So it's the special moments that matter, and they can all be special moments if we let them be.
And for your daily dose of humor, I have this: The other day my four-year-old son points to the poop stain in his underwear and says to me, "Feast your eyes on THIS!" Such a proud mother am I. Where he comes up with stuff, I have no idea.