the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)

A tragic day

Wednesday, Mar. 09, 2005 at 1:20 am

How can a person have so much despair in their soul that they would take their own life?

I've thought about suicide at some really dark moments in my life, but never really considered it seriously. But for someone to actually carry it out, I can not fathom.

My dad called me Tuesday morning and told me that one of 18-year-old cousins had gone missing Monday evening. My first thought was that he had ran away from home. His home life was not bad, but rumors started to surface about him being depressed and someone even said he hated himself.

Later that afternoon my mom called me crying, saying that they just found out that my cousin had recently purchased a shotgun. This was extremely disturbing and my entire family began to panic. I was hoping for the best, just hoping he had ran away and bought the gun for protection. I was in complete denial that he would ever hurt someone, let alone himself.

Around 7:30pm, I stopped by my parents house to say hello. Ten minutes later the phone rings and my dad answers it. We hear him talking, but can't understand what he's saying. He hangs up and joins me and my mom in the living room with a completely somber look on his face. He says, "That was your uncle," and shakes his head. Instantly we knew.

My cousin was found dead in a park a couple of miles from his home. He had shot himself with the shotgun.

My mom freaks out and starts screaming. All I could do was ask my dad over and over again, "Are they sure? Are they sure? Are they sure?" I sat in shock, crying, as my mom screamed and my dad sat quietly with his head down.

This cousin is my mom's sister's son. My mom and her sisters and brother are extremely close. Our entire family is very close. Everyone knew within a matter of minutes. Nothing tragic like this has ever happened in my family. I guess you could say we've been blessed.

Thirty minutes later, as we all were trying to console each other, the phone rings again. This time it's my younger brother. His wife had just went into labor with their first child.

The good news did not outweigh the tragic news, but for a moment in time we all were able to focus on something wonderful instead of something horrible. The baby is still not here, as I'm writing this - it's 1:30am - but my sister-in-law is doing good.

I'm still in shock and grief over my cousin's death. I'm dreading the funeral, but I want so desperately to hold each and every one of my cousin's brothers, sisters and my aunt and uncle. I can not even imagine the sorrow going on within that family right now. I just keep praying that God will watch over them and comfort them during this horrible time.

If you do anything for me today after reading this, just tell someone that you love them.



"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis