the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)

The boy who wants to eat me

Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 at 3:53 pm

Apparently I'm eatable. I'm dating this boy who is crazy about me and always telling me that he wants to eat parts of my body. I haven't written about him until now because I like him more than I've liked anyone in over six years and I'm afraid that by writing about him, he'll become just another boy that I write about in my blog. And he's so not just another boy. I'm afraid if I write about him, things will start to go sour. It's like I'm blaming my bad luck with boys on my blog. But that's not really fair or sane, now is it? Why deprive my blog buddies of the pleasures I experience in life simply because I'm unreasonably paranoid and superstitious?

He wants to eat my face a lot. This is what he tells me anyway. He says that I'm so beautiful and adorable that he just gets this urge to eat my face. He also says the same thing about my hands, my feet and other various body parts. I honestly don't think that I'm going to wake up someday with a half-eaten face, but it still makes me wonder. Plus I told him that I wouldn't mind it so much being eaten by him, that way I'd become permanently attached to him, however my beauty is the only thing that gets me places in life, so that wouldn't be good.

This boy is crazy about me. And if there's one thing in life that is totally awesome, it's having someone who is crazy about you shower you with attention and affection. This boy can not keep his hands off me. It makes me hot. It's so refreshing to be with a boy who isn't afraid to kiss me and hug me and hold my hand in public and admit to me that he's falling in love with me. He's not afraid to be honest with me and tell me everything, even if it makes me sad.

He snapped a photo of us together on our first date, which was about a month ago, and just got the film developed yesterday. He called me to tell me that after looking at the picture of us together, he's decided we should get married and live happily ever after because we just look so damn good together.

But by far the sweetest thing this man has said to me yet was, "You make me want to be a better person." I know that line is totally in that movie with Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson, but it was geniune when my boy said it to me. He said it at the end of one of those long, deep, intense philosophical conversations that last for hours. To think that I could ever have such an affect on anyone in this world just baffles me. It baffles me and flatters me at the same time. I'm in awe of his awe for me.

I want to be a better person too. I've always wanted to be better and knowing myself, I know that I will always want to be better. It's not that I don't like myself, I do. It's just that, I know the minute you stop growing, you start dying and I'm not ready to die anytime soon. So today I'm going to leave you with a quote that I have no idea where it came from. For anyone, anywhere who is not happy with one or more things in their lives:

"If you keep doing what you are doing, you'll keep getting what you are getting."

P.S. Disregard the previous entry, I was having a crazy, overdramatic girlie moment. Shut up.



Sometimes smelling my own farts is the only thing that keeps me going

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 at 10:07 pm

My updates have been getting fewer and farther between lately. Sorry for that. I feel uninteresting and not able to say exactly what it is that I really want to say. Been sleeping in late and not working enough. On the edge financially and emotionally right now. I'm going to sleep early tonight because I am exhausted from loving and wanting and needing more that I have. Someone close to me told me that I need to have patience. Patience has never really been my thing, but maybe I'll try it since nothing else seems to be working lately. I'm still reading everyone, just been a quiet bystander. Life is not terrible, but it's not great either. I should know by now that as a general rule my life will always have a constant overtone of dissatisfaction. It's never enough for me.



"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis