the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)
I deserve more
Sunday, Aug. 01, 2004 at 1:45 pm
Saying you love someone, but then turning around and treating them like shit is the quickest way to fuck them up in the head. I've never experienced this before, but now I think I'm starting to understand why women stay in abusive relationships.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a relationship with Miguel and even when I was, it wasn't abusive. But I'm starting to realize how fucked up our short-lived relationship was. And I think I'm grasping the manipulation of saying one thing and acting the opposite.
He would tell me I'm sexy and wonderful and he loved me. I would feel special for a little while. In his presence I felt excited to be alive and be with him. Then he would turn around and ignore me for a day or two. In my opinion, ignoring someone who loves you is possibly the worst thing you can do to them. Miguel knew this and I always felt like he was doing it deliberately, but I would push those thoughts aside and assure myself that he wasn't that cruel.
Enough has happened over the past couple of weeks to make me realize that he is that cruel. He's also selfish, insensitive, rude and shallow. The only person Miguel cares about is Miguel.
Love is not just a word to throw around nor is it just a fluttering emotion that goes up and down. Love is caring about someone more than you care about yourself and showing it. Love is making someone feel special. Love is being reliable and available. Love is sharing. Love is unselfish.
There are plenty of people in my life who love me. I don't need Miguel. He doesn't deserve me. I have great love to give someone. I know how to love. I know how to make someone feel special and loved and respected and honored. And I know that I deserve the same in return. I'm not going to short change myself.
Did I experience brief moments of insane lust mistaken for love? If so, they are just not worth it. They are not worth the damage they've already done to my heart. Maybe I did love Miguel, maybe I still do. But I only loved a piece of him, a small piece that he gave of himself. I don't deserve just a piece of someone when I'm willing to give my everything. I deserve a whole person, body, mind and soul.
One nut wonder
Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004 at 1:41 pm
Last night I gave up the poontang for Miguel. I don't even want to hear any lectures. Mommy has needs too. So you can just eat me. Oh wait, that's Miguel's job.
I just took a huge hangover dump. I wish you guys could have seen this turd. Seriously, it was like a foot long. It was a proud moment for me. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.
What's all this hype about Lance Armstrong? Miguel is totally freaking out over the yellow rubber bands. 
He bought like eighteen thousand of them. I didn't know anything about it and Miguel was getting a woody telling me about it. Then I asked, "Hey is that the guy with one ball?" We laughed. Then we proceeded to discuss how I could talk dirty to Lance about his ball. "Can I lick your ball?" Or, "Do you want me to suck your ball?" Or maybe, "Let me fondle your ball." I'm sure one ball would be easier to suck than two, so that's cool.
So I'm wearing the yellow rubber band because I'm actually inspired. Cancer is fackin' bitch and I would wish it on nobody.
Cold air makes me hard
Wednesday, Jul. 28, 2004 at 9:50 am
Usually I'm the hot, sweaty girl in the room. But lately, my house and my office have been so fackin' cold that my nipples are about to poke my eyes out and fall off! I don't understand you people. You people being the fackers that control and change the indoor temperatures. Why do you insist on making my nipples stand at attention ten inches from my chest? Why!?!?
So I decided to quit smoking again. This time it's for good. I did it for four months earlier this year and I was totally fine with it. I know I can do it again and make it stick. I decided this last night before falling asleep and hoping I didn't die in my sleep from a stroke or heart attack. These are the pleasant thoughts that keep me up at night. When I woke up, I grabbed my half full pack of Marlboro Menthol Ultra Lights, took them to the garbage and beheaded each and every one of those suckers. Then I threw the box violently in the garbage and said, "Fack you, cigarettes, you are not going to control me anymore!" Or something to that effect.
Have you noticed I've been saying fack instead of fuck? I think it has a nice ring to it and it gets my point across without actually having to cuss. Because cussing is evil. Yeah.
Ok, enough with the sex dreams already! It's been three nights IN A ROW now that I've had dreams about getting it on. The one this morning actually WOKE ME UP from my slumber thirty minutes before my alarm went off! No fackin' point in going back to sleep now, I thought. So I finished the job that my dream started. I guess it's a good thing I have three dates lined up in the next week and a half. At least one of those bastards better be giving up the dong lovin'.
I smell ass
Tuesday, Jul. 27, 2004 at 2:20 pm
After giving it some deep thought, I've come to a conclusion on the whole wanting a puppy thing. I've decided against it. For the one and only reason that I remembered that no matter how much you wash them or shove mints in their mouths, dogs always smell like ass. I'm all about the occassional ass-sniffing, but to have ass roaming around my house 24/7 and sitting on my lap and licking my face is a whole 'nother story.
Use my brains or show my boobies?
Tuesday, Jul. 27, 2004 at 9:36 am
What is a girl to do when everything about her job totally rocks, including the people, the boss, the benefits, the flexibility, the pay, the extras, except the actual work that she does? It's gotten so bad that she's been calling in sick at least twice a month and coming in late almost everyday. She dreads doing her work and will actually sit at her desk for hours at a time doing absolutely nothing because the work has become so stale and mundane and repetitive.
She daydreams about getting a waitressing job at this swanky restaurant across town that caters to the "business man." How easy would that be to flirt with wealthy men, show a little cleavage, bring them food and drinks, and get paid for it? The flexibility and the benefits may not be as good as what she's got now, but the pay would be comparable, maybe even better. Plus, the opportunity to meet potential sugar daddies, nothing wrong with that.
The biggest difference, however, is the affiliation with a professional group verses being "just a waitress." She's always valued her status as a professional. She likes having a career and the pride that comes along with that. If she quit her job and became a waitress, it might bruise her ego a little bit when she actually tells others what she does. Not that there's anything wrong with waitressing, but it just seems like a step down rather than a step up. But at least the day-to-day grind wouldn't be so unbelievably unbearable.
So what's a girl to do?
Exciting weekend update!!
Monday, Jul. 26, 2004 at 12:53 pm
I'm a boring ass bitch.
I accidently stole some mascara.
I never stopped eating.
Then I fell asleep.
I think I need a puppy.
The end.