the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)

I'm a stupid idiot in love with a stupid idiot

Saturday, Jul. 10, 2004 at 7:03 pm

Miguel really does love me.

So I guess we are going to give this "relationship" a try again.

Shut up and just be happy for me.



I'll take "things that come from my asshole" for $400

Friday, Jul. 09, 2004 at 10:45 am

Ok, it's time for some humor up in this mug. I'm tired of this "does he love me or not" crap. If you love someone, you say it, you mean it, and you do the best that you can to show them. If you don't want to be with me, screw you, there are plenty of other people who would consider me the prize that I really am.

Damn, I think I just had a revelation.

So anyway, I've been crapping a lot lately. Maybe it's nerves or the stress of having some asshole tell me he loves me yet he doesn't want to be with me. Make up your mind, fucker. Oh wait, nevermind, I'll make it up for you.

Yeah, so I've been pooping like three to four times a day lately. I suppose that is healthy, but it's just weird because most people I know only crap once a day, if that. Maybe I just have a really quick and efficient digestive track. I swear I can eat and then an hour or so later, I'm crapping. I guess I shouldn't be complaining. I mean I'd much rather be crapping too much then not enough. Constipation sucks.

I love looking at my stats page, just so I can see what kind of crazy searches lead people to my diary. Here are some of the most recent.

pooppackers
please burn off my cock and balls
cleavage sweat
diarrhea song
don't hold fart in shitty ideas

I swear, if I don't see at least one cock, balls, or something pertaining to crap, I'm quite shocked.

Question of the day: What's worse: Constipation or asshole-fire-burning diarrhea?



The surfacey people

Thursday, Jul. 08, 2004 at 11:31 am

Can shallow people ever really change?

I don't understand how someone can value money over character. Or looks over what's inside. Or material things over quality time.

It just seems like such an empty existance.



What's love got to do with it?

Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2004 at 10:03 am

What's love but a second hand emotion?

The lovely Betty Blue asked me, "You were dead set against love until the Miguel thing. If you don't mind me asking, what the hell happened?"

I started to reply to her email and it was turning into a book. Plus I felt the urge to share it with the rest of the world, so here ya go.

I wasn't dead set against love. But I was against anything that remotely resembled love but wasn't the real thing, I was against putting my all into someone without getting the same in return, I was against making myself vulnerable, and I was against letting romance rule my life.

What happened?

I found myself in the presence of a boy I had a long-time crush on and all of a sudden he was telling me things that I thought I always wanted to hear from him: he wanted to be exclusive, he loved me, he could see himself marrying me. I fell into the trap, the clich�, of being obsessed with a guy. That's why I kept saying I hated being in love. I did. He was all I cared about, all I ever thought about. It was ridiculous. I hated that I was letting him rule my life, but it was like I couldn't stop it. I turned into a retarded 13 year old.

Then BAM! He decides it's too much. Turns out he either got scared shitless or it was all lies. Personally, I think it's a little of both. It doesn't really matter though. Because I know he cares for me. People do stupid things when they are dating/in a relationship.

Also, looking back and reflecting on the nine weeks we were dating, I've come to a few conclusions. I don't know if I truly love him. Care about him deeply? Yes. Love lots of things about him? Yes. Totally in LUST with him? Oh yeah. But true love? Doubtful. He never opened up to me enough for me to really love him. He is too young, guarded, prideful, and emotionally immature to have a serious relationship. So I guess I'm glad he was smart enough to realize that and tell me sooner rather than later.

I'm still a little sad. I still miss him. I still miss what I thought we had. I miss having a partner in crime. I miss having someone of the opposite sex (that's not related to me) that I actually enjoy spending time with.

But I'm getting back to my normal self. And I'm happy about that. My life is again about my life, and not about what Miguel is doing or thinking. I'm somewhat back into a routine. I like that. I like my life and my space and my time. Also, the game is not exactly over yet.

I went for a few days without talking to Miguel after the "breakup." It was hard, but I needed a period to mourn. I gathered myself together and made a conscious decision to remain friends with Miguel and at the same time maybe drive him crazy a little. Right or wrong, I don't care. But he needs to know what he gave up.

Saturday and Sunday both he sent me phone texts saying he was thinking about me. Which is a trip because that's more than he ever did while we were dating. Then he makes the effort to contact me again yesterday. That's three days in a row, and he's the one who freaked out when I said I wanted to see him everyday before we broke up. Whatever. More proof yet that guys are dumb.

So I know he still likes me, loves me, wants my body, whatever. The fact is, he still wants me in his life. And that makes me feel good. Because no matter how much I act like I don't give a fuck, I do. I'm still a person with feelings. I need to know that I matter. That's enough for me for now.

This time around will be different though. I'm going to use my head more than my heart and try to leave the 13-year-old retard antics behind. And before it's all said and done, I plan to have Miguel begging for more.

Lastly, I hope you all had a great 4th of July. Here's a pic for your viewing pleasure. That's my sister-in-law on the left and patriotic me on the right.



"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis