the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)

Deep Thoughts

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 at 12:59 pm

Never hold your farts in... They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where shitty ideas come from!!!

Speaking of farts, I've realized my latest obsession is beans! Since I've stopped eating a lot of meat, I've been trying to get my protein in other forms, so I'm all about legumes and beans lately. Last night I had Bush's Vegetarian Baked Beans... holy cow, can you saw mouth watering delicious!? I never did like the meat in my beans anyway.

Tonight? Miguel and his brother are coming over to my house to hang out for a bit, then we are all going to hit the town! This will be the first time I've seen the boy in almost five years. I know I'm going to be cheesy-grinnin' it all night long. Just looking at that boy makes me all giddy! Oh my gosh, I'm so gay!

Also, check out this picture I found of myself when I was like one-year-old. My parents call that time, "The good ol' days... before she could talk." Punks!



My life, it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 at 1:42 pm

Every clich� you've ever heard about creating your own destiny and making your own happiness is so friggin' true, I can't even begin to emphasize it for you. But I can tell you a little story and maybe that will help you understand the truth in those clich�s.

The person I am today would not like the person I was a year ago. A year ago, I was a self-loathing, cynical, narcissistic, depressed, grump. In a word, I was a bitch. I felt that I had nothing to be happy about and my only reason for living was my son. I was disgusted with humanity, I hated my job, I felt abandoned by friends, I felt shunned by family and I just simply felt lonelier than I ever have in my twenty-six years of living. The world was caving in on me and I was headed in a downward spiral. It took all my effort to even smile. I barely recognized myself in the mirror, not that I could stand to look.

Did anyone really know the depth of my depression and self-pity? I seriously doubt it. A few of my close family members sensed it, but no one really knew. I was so disgusted in myself that I thought if anyone else really knew how I felt, they would be doubly disgusted. I was a hermit and when I did leave the house, I prayed that I would not run into anyone I knew.

For the longest time, I was searching for that one "thing" in life that could bring me happiness. I was constantly hoping and waiting for my life to turn around. After years of mild depression and months of serious depression and anxiety, I finally reached my limit. I came to a point in my life where it was either this way or that way. This way was inner peace and happiness. That way was the death of my soul.

I said to myself, "ENOUGH! I refuse to live the rest of my life this way, I'd rather be dead."

So instead of taking the easy way out and just blowing my head off, I decided to start making some changes. Changes that only I had control over. Changes within myself.

I started praying, meditating and learning to relax. I started weeding out all the negative thoughts and replacing them with positive thoughts. Everything from the way I felt about my body, to the way I felt about my social life, to the way I felt around family, to the way I viewed my fellow mankind. I started looking at myself and those around me threw eyes of compassion and love, rather than disdain and hatred. I started filling my body with nutritious foods and stopped overbearing it with artificial foods. I stopped poisoning my body, my space and the air with cigarette smoke. I stopped abusing alcohol just to escape from reality.

I started just being happy for no other reason that to just be happy.

I made a lot of changes in a very short period of time. I'm not saying it was or is easy, but I am saying that it needed to be done in order for my life to become what I always hoped it would become. I always knew that I should not rely on outside influences for my inner peace, strength and happiness, but I just recently started truly putting that knowledge into practice.

As for my social life, I just accepted the fact that people are human and they will disappoint you. But it's how you handle the disappointment that makes your grow. I started reaching out to people and stopped expecting something in return. And you know what? An amazing thing happened. I started receiving again, only this time I honestly don't expect it anymore.

As for my career, well you all know what's up with that. I'm on my way to becoming a famous real estate salesperson someday. Maybe you'll see me on an infomercial trying to get your money! Or at the very least, my face will be on a bus stop bench somewhere!

As for family, I love them so much it hurts. What more do I want from them? Nothing. I want to make sure they know that I love them and that is it. Expectations? Out the door.

As for my physical well-being, it's a daily undertaking. I eat as much natural, healthy foods as I can. I do this to feel good and keep my system working properly, not to try and live up to the string-bean warped ideal of beauty that I know I can never naturally become. I also allow myself to have a taste of that salty, fattening snack or that chocolate cake once in a while. But the key is to not allow those negative, guilty thoughts afterwards to infect my brain.

Do I still have fears? Absolutely. Do I still have doubts? Sure. Do I still have insecurities? Always. But do I allow these things to stop me from living my life the way I want to live it? Not anymore.



Q & A

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 at 1:00 pm

I tried to do the latest sh1ft.org project, but it was hard! I got up to about ten pictures and said, "screw it!" So instead of photographic answers, I'm just going to give you my typed answers, feel free to answer these in your own diary, I'd be interested to read your answers.

one. who am i? [angel@ m@rie p~%~#].

two. who knows me best? [God].

three. how old am i? [26]. or how old do i feel? [sometimes 13, sometimes 19, sometimes 26].

four. the most important thing in my life is: [my faith].

five. i always carry: [my celly].

six. something i always do: [drink water].

seven. i'm at my happiest when: [i feel important].

eight. on a monday morning, you can find me: [hitting snooze].

nine. my favourite mode of transport: [my own two feet].

ten. my eyes are: [deep brown].

eleven. my favourite material posession: [my celly].

twelve. to relax, i like to [take a nap].

thirteen. the town i live in is [just right for me].

fourteen. my worst habit: [picking at my zits].

fifteen. my guilty pleasure: [french fries with mayo].

sixteen. when i look at someone, the first thing i see is [their disposition].

seventeen. i think [nature] is beautiful.

eighteen. one thing i can live without: [bills].

nineteen. one thing people don't know about me: [i love being a mother].

twenty. my life is [a blessing].



You'll clog up your arteries, but at least you'll be thin!

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 at 10:29 pm

Turns out I'm not the only one who thinks the Atkins Diet SUCKS! And all diets for that matter. Be sure to turn up your volume.



"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis