the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)

Can I go 2 seconds without advertisements shoved up my ass?!

Tuesday, Aug. 26, 2003 at 12:03 pm

I know it's a tired complaint, but I really fucking hate infomercials on TV and pop up ads on the internet. I mean, it's one thing if it's something really really cool that I really really need like a beer coozy that makes burp sounds. But mother fuckers are trying to sell anything and everything these days. It's all crap! I'm sorry, but if you are doing an infomercial for kitchen knives, you really should think about suicide. Come on!

Also, if you are trying to sell something to me, don't scare me or threaten me. For instance, in the pop up ad below,

at first glance, seems rather harmless. But that's only because I shrunk it to about half size. But if you look HERE, you will clearly see the scary bearded freak at a much closer view. Now, you tell me, would you buy something from someone who looked like that? Vitamins, no less?! And they expect me to believe he's a doctor. Humph.

I swear, when I take over the world, my first law will be to make pop up ads and infomercials illegal. Punishment for these crimes will consist of the guilty being restrained and, I don't know, hurt badly or something.



Someone needs to teach a class called, "How to properly clean your asshole" for men

Tuesday, Aug. 26, 2003 at 10:51 am

Why do men always have skidmarks in their shorts? I mean, what is so fucking difficult about WIPING YOUR ASS UNTIL IT'S COMPLETELY SHIT-FREE???!!



Tapioca pudding and how it resembles a certain bodily fluid

Monday, Aug. 25, 2003 at 12:54 pm

Know what's worse than biting off a piece of your white plastic fork while you're eating your salad?

Biting off a piece of your white plastic fork while you're eating your salad just when you've taken a bite of fresh cauliflower. It's very difficult to tell the difference between crunchy white cauliflower and crunchy white plastic, inside the mouth and out.

I don't think I'll ever look at cauliflower the same again.

That kind of reminds me of the time my grandma took me and two of my cousins to visit our great-grandfather in the nursing home. She left us alone with him for a few minutes and he started coughing and gagging and this white goo was flying from his mouth.

Later that day, my grandma gave us tapioca pudding for desert and the resemblance of it to the white goo was uncanny. Of course that didn't stop me from eating it. It takes more than a little flying old man body fluids to gross me out. Nevertheless, to this day, I can't eat tapioca pudding without remembering that day at the nursing home.

I suspect this plastic fork incident will have a similar affect on me. Especially since the piece of plastic seems to have permanently lodged itself in my trachea.



"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis