the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)

Duh

Saturday, Aug. 23, 2003 at 5:03 pm

Always, always trust your gut instincts.

And never, never do something that you know will weigh hard on your conscience later, no matter how good it might feel at the time.

Not exactly revelations, but I needed to remind myself of these two things.



It's National what-I-do-every-day-at-work Day!

Friday, Aug. 22, 2003 at 9:01 am

They finally made a day in recognition of all my hard work at trying to do as little as possible as often as possible.

Also, I decided the "Which Blogger Has the Biggest Cock" contest would be a total waste of time considering the guys could totally graphically alter their wangs, so it wouldn't really be a fair contest away. So, I've decided to instead hold my very own blogger awards ceremony with only one prestigious award. And that would be the, "Who Gives Less of a Fuck About Blogger Awards Than Me" award! Taking submissions now! Blogger awards just seem trite and boring if you ask me, not to mention pointless. Not that you asked, but that never stopped me from telling before. You love me, admit it.

Oh, and one time, I ate pizza in the bathroom. How cool am I? (I guess I should clariy, I didn't mean I actually ate pizza while going to the bathroom (although I could see myself doing such a thing), I just meant that I ate it in that particular room for reasons that now escape my memory.)



Was it reverse psychology or just a compliment?

Thursday, Aug. 21, 2003 at 1:22 pm

Part of an IM conversation with a male friend today:

me: i'm trying to decide if i want to eat this brownie or not

him: you're sweet enough........ you don't need it

I didn't know whether to thank him or be offended.



My uterus hates me

Thursday, Aug. 21, 2003 at 9:32 am

Guys, ever wanted to know what cramps feel like?

It's like a poop pain that brings tears to your eyes (x 5). Only it doesn't go away for up to seven days. Good times.

Also last night I told my son that I was going to squeeze his guts out and he told me, "No, keep my guts in, Mommy!" Kids.

It sure feels like someone is squeezing my guts out right now. Owee.



It's all about ME!

Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2003 at 10:18 am

Well, for the first time in my year (as of tomorrow) with The Big D, I finally broke down and asked to be interviewed. No, not by any of those overpopulated interview sites, but by my very "special" friend, Braedon. So thanks, Braedon, for the fun (minus the first damn question) interview!

Oh, I guess I'm supposed to repeat the following, for anyone who would like to be interviewed by me now:
1) Leave me a message in the guestbook or email me by midnight Wednesday, August 20th if you want to be interviewed.
2) I will respond; I�ll ask you five questions.
3) You�ll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4) You�ll include this explanation.
5) You�ll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

1: Do you still communicate with the father of your son? Is he a big part of his life?

No. And. No.

Ok, I know you wanted more of an answer than that. Anyone who's been reading my diary for a long time knows that this is a subject I intentionally never talk about. I think that is partly because I don't want to rehash it and partly because I honestly don't think about it much anymore.

My son's father and I split up when I was only a few months pregnant. It was probably the only breakup I've ever been through that got really nasty. I think we were both scared and prideful. Basically we went our separate ways, and after numerous attempts on my part to try and involve him with my son's life, he just was not willing to put forth the effort. The first time he saw my son was when my son was 10 months old. The last time he saw my son was when my son was a little over a year old. My son is now over two and a half years old. I have not spoken to the man in almost a year.

Yes, it saddens me. Yes, it angers me. But at this point, there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can't force him to love my son. I can force him to help me out financially, but I decided a long time ago that it's just not worth it. If he doesn't want to be a father, fine. That's a decision he is going to have to live with. In the meantime, I just try and take care of my son, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially, the very best that I can.

2: If you had the chance to be on any reality TV show, would you do it, and if you would, what show would it be?

I want to be the next Simon. You think Simon is a mean, horrible scumbag? Wait until I get my hands on those rejects!

True answer: none of them. I wish all reality TV would fucking die. Except the Osbornes, I love those nutballs.

3: If you won a certificate to get plastic surgery, what would you have done?

First, I would be appalled that anyone would have such a prize in a contest! Then after I kicked them in the balls, I would realize that I do believe there are incidences where plastic surgery is necessary for an individual's physical and/or mental and/or emotional well being. However, I do not believe that my appearance causes me any amount of grief that cannot be solved by drinking a few beers and having some laughs with friends at other people expense.

I don't know if this counts, but what I would honestly like to have done is permanent hair removal on my legs because I absolutely loathe shaving my legs. My skin is extremely sensitive and I have to wait a minimum of two weeks between shaves, otherwise I get horrible razor burn. I'm talking lots of blood and burning. Oh and I might get a chemical peel to shrink some of the gigantic pores on my face.

But, anything that would involve me having to be put "under" just gives me the creeps. Also, I think plastic surgery can be like a drug, once you start doing it, you can't stop. And I know I'm prone to starting bad habits, so I would not even want to go there.

4: Quick: Sex with a rock star? Or sex with a movie star? Which specific person is it?

Holy crap! I have to pick ONE! Are you nuts? Well actually if everyone in Hollywood weren't such massive dirty whores, there would be a tons of dudes, and some chicks, that I would love to get jiggy with. However, if I absolutely must narrow it down to one single solitary person, I will have to say Paul Rudd. That would be the adorable, sexy man at your right. I think he might be gay, but this is my fantasy, not his.

5: Your diary is incredibly funny. What are your favorite blogs?

Well thank you very much! I'm blushing! Honestly, I do not add someone as a favorite or to my blogroll unless I really like and read them. I've even deleted people before who have either lost my interest or lost my respect, for whatever reasons. I think everyone I link has their funny moments, but the following buttholes have been known to make me pee my pants: bobmcgoogle, brennass, you, smartepants, sturge, maddox, rantorama, oh and myself of course. Really, all it takes to get me going is a lot of cuss words and/or some talk about flatulence and poop.



And I gave Beyonce a run for her money

Monday, Aug. 18, 2003 at 1:53 pm

I dreamt I was a fine black woman.

I also dreamt that I kept dreaming things that kept coming true in real life.

So if I turn into a fine black woman, well, don't say I didn't warn you.



"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis