the Shakedown: slang. "a thorough search of a place or person." (dictionary.com)

I'm too sexy for my date tonight

Saturday, Aug. 09, 2003 at 7:15 pm

That's right, kids, mama's got a hot date tonight! Well, he's not really hot, but hey at least I get free dinner and drinks.

Yeah I know my webcam takes buttlicking photos. Bite me. I promise I'm not that grainy in person.



A little Saturday afternoon babble

Saturday, Aug. 09, 2003 at 1:33 pm

My child and my roommate are out of town for the weekend. I woke up to a deathly quiet house this morning and was kind of freaked at first. But I slowly started to enjoy it. This little amount of me time was long overdo. I forgot how much I love my solitude. And how much I like walking around the house naked.

- How is it that I got stuck with neighbors on either side of me that don't believe in mowing their lawns unless the grass gets at least a foot tall?

- All it takes to make me feel sexy is my toenails painted red.

- Things I discovered I no longer have any need for: eyeliner and underwear. I don't see how either of them serves any purpose any longer.

- Tonight: a movie at the actual movie theater. Can't remember the last time I went to one of those.

Life is good people.



My bladder's 'bout to splatter!

Friday, Aug. 08, 2003 at 2:37 pm

I think I have the strongest urethra in the history of ever.

See, I have this really bad habit of holding my pee until I'm about ready to explode, because I think going to the bathroom is such a waste of time.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.



Shoot me now

Friday, Aug. 08, 2003 at 2:25 pm

I never thought I'd turn into one of those women that buys totally impractical shoes for the sole purposes of them being totally cute and on sale.

But I have. Shoot me now.

P.S. Check out Bob's new layout. Designed by yours truly, of course.



Yes! I finally have a nickname and it kicks ASSSSSSSSSSS!

Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2003 at 3:17 pm

Just call me Beanernizzle.

Thanks B, I love you man.

However, my good friend Bob just informed me that my nickname should be, The Ass Fingerer, or TAF for short. That one is pretty self-explanatory.

So you guys can call me either one or just combine them: Beanernizzle the Ass Fingerer. Huh, I like it.



Words can not express

Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2003 at 12:30 pm

I found the most hilarious personal ad EVER.

Just so you know, I was doing a search to find one of my friends' ads, so no I wasn't looking for girls. Although, we all know I may swing both ways from time to time. But back to the subject at hand. First, LOOK AT THE SCREEN SHOT I took of the ad. Try to contain your laughter because it gets better.

This was her full message:

Hey dogs. I am a large black woman who likes to be played. I have 7 children living at home. I am a loud, out-spoken lady who likes to watch day-time TV. I'ma really good at cookin (specially reeebs and wings), but my favorite food is carry-out from Church's or 7-11. I'm not workin rite now. My seven kids provide a large eoungh welfare balance to pay for food and I am living in a ghetto apartment that is subsidised. I enjoy a nite at home sittin on the front porch on my couch in my spandex wachin ova the baba-q. In the summa, me and the kids go to the park and have us some churchs chickin and a big juicy watamelin and I curl up wit my colt 45 and a good book on civil rights, black power, or fiminism. We dont usually stay in the sun too long cuz we is dark enuf already. My goal in life is to go onna have a several more kids to get bigger welfare payments. My goal is to have fifen-teen of these black angles runnin around. Theys so cute whens theys out in the street playin with hub caps and tire irons. They be good at jumpin, you know dat, they was dodgin a close hanger for their first nine months. There is lots of luvin left in this woman and plenny of woman to luv. My dad found me a cadillac, but it don't have no tags, driver's window, keys, or insurance yet and it needs a new steering column. So if you like what you see/read, lets get it on. I can come pick you up in my pimp-mobile. Gimme a jingle!

And this was what she typed in the "what she's looking for in a mate" section:

This dude needs to like to make babies. Lots of them. Other than that, he would enjoy going to rallies and demonstrations with me.

I'm going to be laughing for days, people. Days! This has GOT to be a joke.



Maybe that's why they used to marry them off at age 13

Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2003 at 11:50 am

Why does it bother us to see our ex's date other people? And why do we hate our current partner's exes? I realize that not everyone feels this way, but I'd say the majority do. I've been trying to analyze this all morning and I can't seem to grasp the logic of it. I'm starting to think maybe it's just an illogical emotional response that stems from some sort of inborn human possessiveness trait. What do you hookers think?



I never thought anything would be worse than Informer

Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2003 at 11:07 am

Dear Sean Paul,

I love ya babe. You are hot, have a sexy as hell voice, can dance like a mufucka, but please, tell me,

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?!!!

An excerpt from your song Like Glue: "Well enough likkle girl dem bought they own dem got di goody goody, One ting mi haffi tell dem Dutty got di woody woody, Frontway backway Dutty K man have di shooby shooby, Virgin dem waan gimme and mi have to tooky tooky, Hot girls outta road dat seh dem see mi see mi, And a tell mi seh dem have somethin fi gimme gimme, How much a one night dem all a dream bout di jimmy jimmy, Dem a promise and a tell mi seh a fi mi fi mi."

Thanks.



Eat my balls RIAA! and boys too!

Tuesday, Aug. 05, 2003 at 5:51 pm

Dang, Christina is really trying to get on my good side with this kick ass song. Here's a little taste for you, but you have to download it if you haven't heard it:

"This is for my girls all around the world,
Who've come across a man who don't respect your worth,
Thinking all women should be seen, not heard,
So what do we do girls?
Shout louder!
Letting them know we're gonna stand our ground,
Lift your hands high and wave 'em proud,
Take a deep breath and say it loud,
Never can, never will, can't hold us down,
Spread the word, can't hold us down."



Taking applications for man whores

Monday, Aug. 04, 2003 at 1:15 pm

Half the time, I want to bomb every Hooters restaurant on the planet. The other half, I couldn't care less. Same thing goes for strip clubs and the entire modeling industry and nudie magazines. I get so fucking sick of women being exploited and objectified, but at the same time it's such a "norm" these days that I'm starting become numb to it. It just gets tiring to be pissed off twenty four seven. I've always agreed that if you aren't pissed off about something in this life, then you aren't paying attention.

So I've come up with a plan to let out some of my aggression. I'm going to open a restaurant to exploit men and their penises. Originally I had thought about calling it Peckers, with a woodpecker as the mascot. Then one of my girlfriends mentioned that Cocks would be a better name and to have the mascot be a rooster. So I can't take credit for the name. But the idea to open this restaurant has been on my mind for years. Oh and we would only hire men and they would have to go topless and wear speedos. I love the idea of leveling the playing field, however I'm afraid no one would actually want to eat there. And I wouldn't blame them.



Peek-a-boo said the underpants

Monday, Aug. 04, 2003 at 12:15 pm

I noticed my fly was open when I got to work.

Also, I bought a new pair of cute shoes this weekend. I'm wearing them today. Too bad they make fart noises on my feet every so often.

Ah, Mondays.



Maybe it's not as complicated as we make it out to be

Monday, Aug. 04, 2003 at 12:14 pm

I think I've finally realized why love always gets fucked up. It's because someone always expects the fairy tale. And the truth is, it does not exist. True love, yes, but the fairy tale, no. We should just take what we can when we can and not get so fucking bitter about it all. I'm not perfect and I don't know how to love someone perfectly, so I should never expect the same in return.



Snap me back to reality

Monday, Aug. 04, 2003 at 9:56 am

What a wonderful weekend. I got a taste of that feeling of meeting someone who gives you butterflies in your stomach and you can't stop thinking about them for two seconds. And when you see them you just want to kiss them and be held in their arms. And you feel warm inside everytime you look into their eyes, and it's the hardest thing in the world to look away. And after all that, as much as you want to be with them. . . part of you hates their fucking guts because there is no chance in hell you two can ever be together because the bastard is married.

All it's made me realize is that after three long years of having no one that loves me and no one to love in return, I'm ready to fall in love again. And I want to fall in love in again. I want to have someone to snuggle up with on the weekends. It's depressing and I don't like feeling this way. I don't think feeling vulnerable.

I've just got to get over it because I'm not going to count on ever falling in love again. I just have to go back to the realization that it's probably never going to happen for me. Fuck small moments of bliss that give you hope. Fuck the "what-if's" in life.



"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis